Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Anyone out there really wonder if they are cursed? Truly unlucky? That you have your own rain cloud above your head? I do, and it won't go away. I have a lot to be thankful for. A loving family, my life, and, the fact that I am in school. But situations this past summer really make me question all of it. I have been unhappy for a long time and I don't know what I can do to get myself out of this funk. Let me explain.

I am a big girl. Yes I have no one to blame but myself (food tastes good). But I want to change that, so my sister and I want to get gastric bypass. We've been working on this for 2 years. 2 years of getting the run around, tests, and bullshit from doctors. But finally this past summer it looked like we were finally going to go under the knife. July 15, 2009 was our pre-op appointment (when you can remember the date it's not good). Me, my sister, and my mom all went. All day I had a bad feeling. My sister was excited and was like "why aren't you happy?" I know myself, good things like this RARELY happen to me. So I told her I am not going to get happy until I'm on a table! We go to sign in and Shay (my sis) gets a book detailing what to expect from the operation. I sign in and I don't get one. So we're all uneasy now and the doctor tells us that he downright refuses to operate on me because of my kidney condition. I don't have enough protein in my blood. My sister and mother are shocked, but I'm not. I KNEW it! I CALLED it! Between the three of us I kept it together best. My mom and sister started crying! So my sister went on without me and got her surgery. When I visited her after her operation I kept it together but on the way home I broke down and cried my eyes out. That was just at the end of the summer. Other shit happened too.

I am in college and this year summer vacation started early May. So I was job searching since the beginning of April. No calls, no interviews, NOTHING!! I gave it until the new Harry Potter movie came out then gave up. I get private loans to help with my school expenses, but for SOME fucking reason I couldn't get ANY loans!!! I still need a fucking book for a class ($150)!!! And the icing on the shit cake I wanted to work at my school but they wouldn't even let me interview with them for some fucking reason. I am stressed beyond belief and the only way I like to release my stress I can't do at school. I LOVE video games, my Xbox360 is my own personal psychologist. Playing some Team Fortress 2 makes me feel better. But because of the network here I can't get online and TF2 is strictly online.

I am tired of being sad and unhappy. It's like my summer sucked so badly that I can't recover from it. I think my family realizes it too. Life sure has a way of sticking it in and breaking it off huh? I try to focus on my schoolwork but I'm so depressed that I don't feel like doing anything but sleep. People tell me "God is testing you" if so then answer me this: WHEN THE FUCK IS THE TEST OVER?! I had a test on Monday and it lasted 35 minutes! I never had a test last months!! When I think I've gotten over my bad summer I just think about it again and depress myself. My sister thinks I should talk to the student councilor and work on myself. What do you think?

*PS despite what you may be thinking I am NOT suicidal!!!*