Back in the Hospital

*I wrote this when I was in the hospital, I'm out of the hospital now but I thought I'd share this blog with people*

Hey guys! I just thought I'd let you know where I am ATM. I've managed to get admitted to the flipping hospital again. I'm sure you want to know mah story but in order to do it justice I need to go back. In 2006 I'd been struggling with my weight enough for my ankles to swell up. But it wasn't too bad then so between 06 and 08 the topic of trying to get the gastric bypass would come and go. In 2008 I was diagnosed with kidney disease. That was what my swelling was coming from which at this point was more annoying but manageable. To get the diagnosis of the kidney disease I had to have this huge needle injected in my back. I didn't feel it going in but I remember getting a twinge of pain when they were collecting samples of my kidney (not a very fun way of spending my spring break). Before anyone thinks of pitying me about having kidney problems trust me it could've been much worse. Some woman was on tv and had the exact same symptoms as me but her problem was a rare form of cancer. Also even though, my kidneys aren't 100% they still function well enough to where dialysis or a transplant is not needed.

After that my sister and I worked hard for months to get our gastric bypass surgeries but during our last pre op meeting it was like my surgeon had seen me for the first time ever. My sister got it and I (the one who needed it more) was denied right at the end of the long road. Determined, my family and I found another surgeon to take my case and after 6 more months of bullshit the first surgeon wanted me to do I got my bypass August 16, 2011. But all was not well for we thought the bypass would fix my kidneys and the swelling but actually the swelling got worse. Between September and December 2011 I lost the ability to do these things:

1) drive - can't fit in the seat and hit the peddles safely anymore 2) walk normally - two lumps between my legs prevent this 3) wash myself - need help getting certain "spots" 4) getting into and sitting into a car normally - my legs are so swollen that I can barely lift them up. And when I'm in I have to slam the door in order to squeeze myself in. 5) cook for myself - if I have to stand and watch the dish then no.

Keep in mind during this period I was also in college so you can imagine what my grades where like. During Christmas break I took up a new physical therapy place and started wrapping my legs to keep the swelling down. But my lymphedema still just couldn't cooperate. First the wraps came off all the damn time. If they're not on my legs then they aren't helping me. And when my family had to wrap me that was an endeavor in and of itself. Next the wraps gave me a rash so yet another break from wrapping that we could not afford. Finally I have developed an infection in my leg from the liquid my legs seep. And... That's where we are now. I've been the hospital since Tuesday evening but this is where I need to be.

Why am I telling you guys this? Boredom? Perhaps. In case you wanted to know where I've been? Sure. I just felt like telling my story to people who don't know it? I guess, but anyway that's my story.

I apologize for any spelling mistakes in advance but it's hard typing on an iPad!

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Anyone out there really wonder if they are cursed? Truly unlucky? That you have your own rain cloud above your head? I do, and it won't go away. I have a lot to be thankful for. A loving family, my life, and, the fact that I am in school. But situations this past summer really make me question all of it. I have been unhappy for a long time and I don't know what I can do to get myself out of this funk. Let me explain.

I am a big girl. Yes I have no one to blame but myself (food tastes good). But I want to change that, so my sister and I want to get gastric bypass. We've been working on this for 2 years. 2 years of getting the run around, tests, and bullshit from doctors. But finally this past summer it looked like we were finally going to go under the knife. July 15, 2009 was our pre-op appointment (when you can remember the date it's not good). Me, my sister, and my mom all went. All day I had a bad feeling. My sister was excited and was like "why aren't you happy?" I know myself, good things like this RARELY happen to me. So I told her I am not going to get happy until I'm on a table! We go to sign in and Shay (my sis) gets a book detailing what to expect from the operation. I sign in and I don't get one. So we're all uneasy now and the doctor tells us that he downright refuses to operate on me because of my kidney condition. I don't have enough protein in my blood. My sister and mother are shocked, but I'm not. I KNEW it! I CALLED it! Between the three of us I kept it together best. My mom and sister started crying! So my sister went on without me and got her surgery. When I visited her after her operation I kept it together but on the way home I broke down and cried my eyes out. That was just at the end of the summer. Other shit happened too.

I am in college and this year summer vacation started early May. So I was job searching since the beginning of April. No calls, no interviews, NOTHING!! I gave it until the new Harry Potter movie came out then gave up. I get private loans to help with my school expenses, but for SOME fucking reason I couldn't get ANY loans!!! I still need a fucking book for a class ($150)!!! And the icing on the shit cake I wanted to work at my school but they wouldn't even let me interview with them for some fucking reason. I am stressed beyond belief and the only way I like to release my stress I can't do at school. I LOVE video games, my Xbox360 is my own personal psychologist. Playing some Team Fortress 2 makes me feel better. But because of the network here I can't get online and TF2 is strictly online.

I am tired of being sad and unhappy. It's like my summer sucked so badly that I can't recover from it. I think my family realizes it too. Life sure has a way of sticking it in and breaking it off huh? I try to focus on my schoolwork but I'm so depressed that I don't feel like doing anything but sleep. People tell me "God is testing you" if so then answer me this: WHEN THE FUCK IS THE TEST OVER?! I had a test on Monday and it lasted 35 minutes! I never had a test last months!! When I think I've gotten over my bad summer I just think about it again and depress myself. My sister thinks I should talk to the student councilor and work on myself. What do you think?

*PS despite what you may be thinking I am NOT suicidal!!!*

Bored!!!

God! Today was (or is) so uneventful!I am sitting in the house watching TV trying to preoccupy myself so won't go insane. And to top it all off it's like 90-something degrees in my house! I am miserable! God help! Please send central air to me!!!

My Friends

I am trying to get out of my shell a little bit. Today I saw my friends that I haven't seen in a little bit. I was great. But i don't think one of my friends was really into it. She left after like an hour and a half. Why? Who knows. We were doing what she wanted to do by watching this Japanese series which was cool but her brother came by and we wanted to do something else. But now that we weren't doing what she wanted then she's like okay I got to go now? Why? after like 2 years of not seeing each other! But My guy friend kept in touch at least but she was MIA for a while. So I was really happy to see her. Then she tried to lie and say "well I have stuff to do though". But she said this after we asked her to stay for a bit. Like she made it up so she wouldn't have to stay. Her brother said from the door "at 4:30 I have to pick up my mom". He's not lying but she came up with it like when we wanted to do something else. It's really childish but she's the oldest out of all 4 of us!!! I love her and all it's just that have some variety! All she wants to do is watch anime, talk about anime, and look at drawings of anime shows!!! Come on Dude! 2 Years and this is all you want to do?!

LIFE!!!

God! I am so swamped. Big bio exam on friday, corrections exam next Tuesday, quiz on Thursday. Man! I wish college was easier. But if everything in life was easy then there will be no challanges in life. It's hard... but I can do this. I just can't lose focus. Study, work hard, and try! But other than scool things in my life is fine. Got a sweet new laptop (which I am on right now). This babyhas it all! tons of memory, HD DVD player, DVD and CD RW-R, web cam, 17" widescreen, bluetooth, Vista, fingerprint scanner. Man Iam risking carpal tunnel by typing how many things this laptop has! I love it!